


Colors In Disguise

by glitterhowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Food Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2019-10-27 02:40:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17758226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterhowell/pseuds/glitterhowell
Summary: Dan Howell has struggled with Binge Eating Disorder and food addiction his entire life but after he met Phil, he went into remission. After several years, Dan relapses and he slowly starts spiraling out of control yet again. Will he be able to get the help he needs, or will he fall victim to its vicious cycle?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First off if you're here from my other story Seized I want to thank you for supporting another work of mine it honestly means so much! Second, if you're new your support means just as much! This story is very close to my heart as myself currently struggle with B.E.D. (Binge Eating Disorder) and food addiction and several of the feelings in the story are feelings I have had myself or maybe even instances that have happened to myself. I have found writing this story is helping me in my recovery and I don't intend to stop so if your interested in coming on this journey with me I intend on updating once on Tuesdays. This story will also deal with other mental health issues such as self-harming so if that triggers you this might not be the story for you. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not a mental health specialist everything I write is from experience and research 
> 
> So without further ado here we go!

Ever since he could remember, Dan had had issues with food. He wouldn't say he was a fat kid but he was definately on the chubbier side which was something the kids at his school never let him forget. He was endlessly teased for everything about his appearance; he was a tall freak, a fat-ass emo fag. The insults during his childhood never seemed to end. And as far as he could remember, he had always loved food. The savory-filled taste of a big bag of crisps, or the nice thick coating of bubbling cheese on a delicious pizza. But as much as he loved the savory food, he love the tooth-achingly sweets just as much.

 

The earliest he can remember binge eating was when he was around twelve years old. The teasing at school had been particularly bad that day; the bully at school had pushed him down into a mud puddle after school and Dan had come home sopping wet and dripping muddy water everywhere. Of course, he’d been alone; he was always alone with his brother in daycare and his mum and dad at work. That was how he spent lots of his time. Alone.

 

Dan had went straight to the kitchen to get himself a snack, not even bothering to dry himself off. Once he was in the pantry, all of his problems seemed to float away, it was like nothing could hurt him. His parents kept a variety of snacks in the house just for occasions like this when he was alone. His eyes fell to a bag of gummy worms and he grabbed them excitedly only to stop when he saw there was still a bag of his favorite crisps. Having both won't hurt right? And so he grabbed his snacks and headed to his room; he plopped down on his bed tearing open the crisps in the process. It didn't take him long to finish an entire family size bag of crisps as well as a pretty moderate-sized bag of gummy worms. Once he was done he smiled at himself and collapsed back onto his bed, but as he lay there the events from that day started coming back to him. Frustrated because they hadn't been there just minutes ago while he was enjoying his snacks, he sighed and he reached into his bedside drawer to retrieve three different candy bars from his stash of Halloween candy he still had left over. He wasn't hungry but the sight of the chocolate made his problems once again slip from his mind.

 

That should have been a major clue to Dan that he had a problem because ever since then, he used food as a way to escape his problems and relieve his stress. It was a vicious cycle that he had become accustomed to over the years; when he was feeling stressed he would stockpile on his favorite treats and binge until he physically couldn't eat anymore. Of course, this lead to him feeling ashamed and guilty and all he could think was what the hell was wrong with him? Those kids were right; he was a fat ass. But of course, the only thing that would make those thoughts go away was more food. So the vicious cycle continued.

When he was fifteen he stumbled across a blog on Tumblr that suggested to him that he purge all the food that he binged; he tried that only once before he decided that wasn't for him. The feeling of throwing up just was not something he enjoyed, much preferring the feeling of being uncomfortably full.

 

He was sixteen when he cut himself for the first time. He had come across this method on Tumblr as well. He had taken his dad's razor, breaking it apart and cutting his finger in the process of trying to remove the blade. He remembered just staring in awe at the thick red blood that ran down his finger, it was beautiful to him. He knew in that moment he was hooked as it was the only thing that seemed to take the pain away like food did. During the year he used self-harm to deal with his problems instead of food, he dropped two stone and really slimmed down for his height. And since he slimmed down, he didn't seem to be bullied quite as much at school anymore. So Dan was happy using self-harm as a way to cope instead of binging eating. That was until the day he had cut too deep and hit a vein. All he remembers was a lot of red and passing out. He later learned in the hospital that his mom had happened to come home early from work and had found him unconscious and bleeding all over the bathroom floor. He had been forced to go to therapy after that, and his parents checked him daily for new scars. So Dan had to stay clean, he couldn't use cutting as a form of release anymore and he fell back into the cycle of binge eating. One where he had to stop scratching his scars, but also one where he resorted to sneaking food out of the pantry all the time yet again.

 

This continued until he was eighteen and had met Phil, and instead of cutting or binge eating anymore, he would talk to Phil about things. Eventually, over time, Dan revealed to Phil of his cutting but was too ashamed to admit to the binge eating. What kind of freak binge eats the whole pantry to take the pain away? So instead, he keep that secret close to himself.

 

In the time he was clean, he started Youtube, became best-friends-turned-boyfriends with Phil, and he moved in with him. He expanded his fan base, Phil and him went on tour, wrote two books and presented a radio show. Life was good; sometimes he still got the itch to cut or binge but usually it went away if he forced his mind to think of something else. He was finally happy: he had amazing fans, a gorgeous boyfriend and the times of hiding his scars and sneaking food was over.

 

That was until he had a really bad fight with Phil one night. If you asked him now, he wouldn't be able to tell you what the fight had even been about, but if he were to guess it was either about Phil leaving his socks laying around the house or something to do with editing.

 

Phil had stormed out of the house without a word leaving Dan standing in the kitchen all by himself. He squeezed his eyes shut and let the tears start to fall. That is when his arm started to itch, the intense need to cut becoming overwhelming. He sucked in a breath not too far gone to ration with himself; he couldn't cut, Phil would surely notice that. His eyes light up; he may not be able to cut but he could eat. He smiled, remembering the feeling that eating too much used to give him. The feeling of his stomach about to burst, the pure joy and ecstasy of it.

 

He rushed to the fridge and pulled out the pizza they still had in there from last night as well as some Chinese food they had left over from a few days before. He happily grabbed his food and started to leave the kitchen when a big bag of crisps caught his eye. Without even thinking, he took all his food to his room and dug in and, just like old times, he ate until it was physically impossible to eat anymore. He gave a satisfied grunt as he curled up in his blanket and let his eyes fall closed. He was happy for only a moment before the old feelings of guilt came rushing back to him. He shot up and looked at all the food around him and started crying again. He was a failure after all this time and he had fucked it up, just like he fucks everything he touches up.

 

Wiping his tears, he quickly gathered the evidence of his crime and went to throw them in the trash. He stood in the kitchen by the trash can he looked down at his stomach. There was the visible curvature of his stomach that hadn't been there before. Groaning in frustration, that was when he promised to himself that this was going to be the last time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read chapter one! I'm really excited about this story and can't wait to continue writing for it!
> 
> Disclaimer: I am not a mental health specialist everything I write is from experience and research

After their fight, it didn't take Phil long to come home and apologized. They quickly made up and spend the rest of their night cuddling on the couch watching Buffy. It didn't take long for Dan's little problem to slip from his mind.

The thought of bingeing didn't come back to his mind until over two weeks later. Dan was having a little bit of writer's block, he had loads of ideas for videos but none of them seemed to be the right one to film. The fans had been hounding him for a week now, asking him when he was going to upload next. He knows most of them were just teasing him when they joked about how little he updated, but that still didn't stop the words from going straight to his head.

Dan was currently laying on his favorite patch of carpet in their hallway, he had been there for over three hours trying to come up with a video idea. But nothing he thought of was something he wanted to film. He would ask Phil about it but he had gone out earlier to spend time with PJ and Sophie, Dan had declined to go, knowing he had to film something today.  

He groaned in frustration; this was getting him nowhere. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and saw he had a text from Phil.

 

From: Phil

To: Dan

Did you film a video today? People keep @ me on Twitter asking when the next one is. I don't know what to tell them :p

 

From: Dan

To: Phil

Not yet but I have a really good video idea, I'm going to film now.

 

To: Dan

From: Phil

Ok, bear see you later love you <3 

 

To: Phil

From: Dan

Love you too Phil 

 

He sighed, he hated lying to Phil but he just couldn't tell him that, once again, he wasn't going to be able to upload a video because his shitty mind can't come up with something creative. They were in no way struggling to make a living; Youtube paid their bills and allowed them to put some aside for the future but they still had to put out content. Phil had upload three times since he last had and they had uploaded several gaming videos since then as well. He couldn't help but feel like a failure; he knew he was just a fuck up. He couldn't even get a stupid video up on time. Tears started leaking from his eyes when out of nowhere his stomach let out a loud grumble. That's when the light bulb went off in his head. He stood up and quickly dashed to the kitchen.

He swung the cupboard open and his eyes scanned the contents. His eyes fell on a packet of crisps. He licked his lips and reached for the bag when his eyes fell on a full bag of chocolate cookies. Grinning he pulled both of his treats down and turned around to get a bottle of Ribena out of the fridge when his eyes fell on the half a pizza that was still in there from the night before. His heart sped up just thinking about the satisfaction all this food was going to bring him. 

 

He carried all his food to the lounge and plopped down on the sofa, setting the food out in front of him on the coffee table. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath; this was going to feel so good. 

 

It didn't take him more than ten minutes to finish the entire half a pizza as well as the full bag of crisps and cookies. He groaned as he laid down, he was absolutely stuffed to the brim. His stomach was so full it was uncomfortable, but that is how Dan liked it. His eyes slipped back in his head as he drifted off to sleep.

 

He was jolted awake when he heard the key in the door. Shit, he hadn't cleaned his mess up he couldn't let Phil find him with all this garbage. He took all the garbage and shoved it under the sofa, he would have to take care of it later. 

 

"Dan I'm home," Phil called cheerfully.

"I'm in the lounge," he yelled back, hoping he didn't sound off.

"I'm starving; I think I'm going to have some leftover pizza, do you want some?" He called from the kitchen.

Dan's blood ran cold. Shit, how was he going to explain half a pizza missing?

"Dan, where did the pizza from last night go?" Phil walked out with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Uh...I...uh dropped it on the floor on accident earlier," he said, saying the first thing that came to mind.

"You what?"

"I went to have something earlier and accidentally dropped the whole pizza on the floor I had to throw it out." He said not meeting Phil's eyes.

"Oh ok, I guess I can make myself a sandwich then. Do you want one?"

"Uh no thanks I think I'm going to take a shower. I'm all sweaty from the lights." He said dashing out of the lounge passing a very confused Phil.

 

He slammed the bathroom door behind him and sank to the floor. What was he going to; do he couldn't start this again. He had been doing so good he thought he had grown out of this shit. His breathing started to pick up, on the verge of a panic attack. 

"Dan, are you alright?" Phil gently knocked on the bathroom door.

 

He choked in a sob "I'm fine Phil."

Phil was quiet for a moment. "All right. If you need anything Bear, I will just be in the lounge."

With that he walked off, leaving Dan to himself once again. The guilt was so strong he felt like he couldn't breathe. This was part of the cycle, feeling guilty after a binge had been something he had grown accustomed to over the years. He almost had forgotten how bad it got. He slowed his breathing out and stood up. Looking at himself in the mirror, he promised himself this was the last time he was going to binge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter next Tuesday! Kudos and comments are always appreciated! My Tumblr is glitterrhowell!


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such the short chapter honestly it seemed much longer when writing it but this is how it turned out so I hope you all still enjoy! And thank you so much for everyone who has left kudos and comments they mean the world to me!

The next few weeks everything seemed to go back to normal; they filmed and watched anime together, the usual. There was still lots of tension in the apartment but both of them seemed happy to not mention it. 

 

“Phil I’m going to Tesco, do you want anything?” he called, grabbing his keys off the counter.

“Yeah I think we’re out of milk, someone drank the last of it this morning,” he grumbled, walking into the kitchen.

 

Dan winched. He was sure Phil didn’t mean for it to come out that way but it was quite hurtful.

 

“Yeah ok, I’ll be back in a little bit.” He quickly turned and left before Phil could say anything else.

 

~~~~

He walked up and down the isles of Teso; really he was just killing some time before he went home. He stopped when a bag of frosted cookies caught his attention. Surely he deserved a treat right. He grabbed the bag and shoved them in his basket and kept walking; when he came to the end of the aisle: Oreos. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had Oreos. His mind went foggy as he grabbed the packaged and thrown it in his basket as well. 

 

By the time he made it to the check out his mind was completely fogged over and he hardly remembered half of what he had thrown in his basket. 

 

“That’ll be £50 sir.”

Dan was shaken from his fog, “What?”

“That’ll be £50.” The young teenage girl smiled at him.

Dan was a little taken back, he didn’t think he’d bought that much. He paid and quickly left the store hoping to avoid seeing any fans on the way back to the flat.

 

Lucky he made it back to the flat without running into anyone (physically or otherwise) and he was able to make it into the apartment without any more confrontations with Phil. A little embarrassed with everything he bought, he let Phil know he was going to spend some time in the office editing a video. 

 

With the door shut and carefully locked Dan sat on the floor with the bags surrounding him and slowly one by one began to unbag everything.

 

Cupcakes, cookies, ice cream, candy bars and a bag of crisps.

 

His jaw fell to the floor; had he really boughten all of this? He felt disgusted with himself who in their right mind could eat all of this? Shaking his head, he got up and quietly unlocked the door to stick his head out, making sure Phil wasn’t anywhere in sight. As quick and as quietly as he could he made his way to the kitchen to grab a trash bag to throw all that garbage away.

 

“I thought you went to the shops?”

Dan screamed.

“What?” Phil asked him, clearly annoyed. 

“You can’t just sneak up on me like that Phil!” he screeched.

“I didn't!” he said, now angry.

 

Dan caught his breath before he answered, “I did go to the shops.”

Phil looked at him confused, “Then where is the milk?”

Dan mentally facepalmed himself; he’d been so wrapped up in snacks he’d forgotten the milk.

“Oh umm, I must have forgotten it.”

 

Phil’s face softened. “Bear, is there something wrong?”

“No of course not! I’m sorry I forgot the fucking milk, Phil! Jesus!” He turned around and stormed back off towards the office slamming the door behind him, leaving a very confused Phil in his wake.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” he cried to himself as he sank to the floor. 

His chest heaved as he sobbed into his knees. He had snot and tears running down his face and he really just couldn't care less. 

 

His eyes fell on the food on the floor in front of him. Tears still pouring down his face, he ripped open the first packet of cookies and started eating. Shoving cookie after cookie into his mouth, he didn’t care how pathetic he looked at that moment. 

 

By the time he was finished with the first package, his tears were drying up and he was ripping open something else and that is how it continued for the next 30 minutes until all the food he had boughten was gone.

 

Dan groaned and laid back on the floor his brain swirled with pure joy and happiness. The feeling was absolutely indescribable.

 

And an hour later, he swore to himself this was the last time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again a short chapter I'm sorry guys I'll try and make them longer but this seems to be just how they're turning out. Thank you for all the amazing comments and kudos the make my heart soar!

Dan groaned as he looked at the number on the scale. He’d gained half a stone in the last few weeks. He put his hands on his stomach and shook the pudge that sat there. He shut his eyes trying not to cry; how could he have let this happen? Yeah, he had eaten bad a few times the last few weeks but surely it hadn’t been enough to make that much of a difference. But there is was; the proof was right in front of him. 

 

Cheeks burning with embarrassment, he made a promise to himself that he would get on track right away and he would lose that half a stone. He couldn’t allow himself to become any more disgusting than he already was.

 

The next few days were awful as he started out with skipping several of his meals in hopes of dropping the weight fast. But when that became apparent that wasn’t something he could maintain he went to just skipping his breakfast and eating a light lunch and small dinner. But still, food was literally the only thing he thought about. The first thought when he woke up in the morning and the last when he went to sleep. It had gotten to the point his brain was so fucking exhausted from thinking about food and fighting the cravings that he’d taken to just sleeping most of the time. 

 

He knows Phil had noticed something was up as he had tried talking to him about it. Dan may have not on purpose, but had bitten his head off when he’d had tried asking what was wrong. Ever since then Phil had been keeping his distance and been giving Dan his space. Which Dan had been grateful for as he really didn’t feel attractive or worthy of Phil or his love at the moment.

 

~~~~~

 

Dan groaned as he rolled over, pulling the blankets closer around him. He had no idea what time it was but he had no intentions of getting up. The hunger pains had been particularly bad all day and he hadn’t been able to focus on the video he had been trying to edit. They’d been so bad in fact, that he’d almost broke and went to the kitchen and made himself something to eat, but he just couldn’t and so instead, he’d told Phil he’d had a headache and went to lay down. 

 

His stomach gave another loud rumble and he grimaced and held it in annoyance. He reached over to the bedside table and grabbed his bottle of water. He took several big swigs and waited for them to reach his stomach and hoped that would help the hunger pains. 

 

He’d read on a fasting website that he had been on that water was an excellent way to beat the hunger pains and so far it seemed to be helping some.

 

Dan shoved his head back into the pillow and put the water bottle back and instead grabbed his phone. He brought up the app he had downloaded that told him when his fasting period was over and he groaned, still another 15 minutes. 

 

He had found this lifestyle choice people like to do where people fast for sixteen hours a day and only eat eight hours out of the day. With his crazy sleep schedule, it had been difficult to make it work but he had. The process was supposed to help you not eat as much or something, and you didn’t have to count calories or something, only Dan still counted calories because he was a fat cow and he needed to. 

 

There was a soft knock on the door before it opened and Phil popped his head inside; “You up?”

“Yeah.=,” he yawned, curling himself into a ball like a cat.

 

Phil giggled, sitting down on the bed next to him. “I ordered Chinese for dinner if you're hungry.”

The smile fell from Dan’s face as he remembered his app.

 

“What's wrong?” Phil asked, clearly confused.

“Nothing,” Dan smiled. 

 

He could eat something when the app said he could for another fifteen minutes. He hadn’t really eaten anything else all day; it would be fine.

 

“Ok, the food should be in ten minutes,” Phil said leaning down kissing his head.

 

Dan giggled and pushed him, “Go on and wait for the food, I don’t want cold fried rice.”

 

~~~~

 

Dan moaned as he laid down on the sofa, head in Phil’s lap. “I don’t feel good.” 

“You shouldn't have eaten so much,” Phil said, laughing at him. 

“I didn’t eat that much,” he protested. 

“Dan you had two plates of fried rice, two egg rolls and at least half of my low mein. And don’t think I didn’t see you eat that biscuit before dinner as well. Someone must have been hungry,” he teased.

 

Dan’s face reddened with embarrassment and the subject was left with that but the rest of the night Dan fought the guilt and couldn’t help but feel disgusted with himself. 

 

By the time midnight rolled around, they’d watch two movies and Dan was pretty tired and Phil looked like he was about to just fall asleep right there on the couch. 

 

“Hey, why don’t you go get ready for bed? I’ll be there in a minute; I’m just going to go get a drink of water, ok?” Dan said, stretching his long limbs above his head.

 

“Mmm alright,” Phil yawned standing up and heading towards the bedroom.

 

Dan made his way into the kitchen and picked up a glass and filled it with water. He slowly slipped the liquid eyes falling on some bananas sitting on the counter. In no way was he hungry - in fact, he was still overly stuff from dinner - but the thought of feeling the rush and the content and happy feeling that food gave him won out and he shoved his glass of water to the side and in no time the bunch of bananas became a pile of banana peels. 

 

Dan’s brain rushed but it wasn’t the same rush as when he ate cookies or the other stuff but it was still pleasant. His stomach hurt quite a lot but it didn’t overrule the happiness his brain was currently feeling. 

 

Even in his daze, he knew he needed to clean up and get to bed so he cleaned up and made his way to the bedroom. The light was already turned off and Phil was already in bed by the time he got there. He slipped in next to him and Phil turned around to spoon him. 

 

“I thought maybe Tumblr had consumed you,” Phil said.

“Nope, just really thirsty.” he giggled, snuggling closer to Phil.

“Goodnight Dan,” Phil said, snaking his legs around his.

“Night Philly,” he whispered. 

 

He was already beginning to hate himself.

 

And he promised himself this was the absolute last time. He’d get back on track if it was the last thing he did.

 


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter is a week late guys my depression was really kicking me in the ass. But I'm feeling a little better now and thought I would post a little something for you guys. Thanks for reading!

Over the next few weeks, Dan managed to lose the half a stone he had gained and he was pretty proud of himself. He had been able to resist food pretty well ever since that night with the Chinese food. 

 

Dan walked out of their en suite bathroom. “You sure you have everything?”

Phil rolled his eyes, “Yes I’m sure mum.” 

“I’m not sure where you're going then if I’m your mum,” Dan giggled.

“Oh no, you caught me; I’m really off to see my secret husband,” Phil joked.

The smile fell from Dan’s face. Of course he knew Phil was joking but it still kinda hurt.

“Come on, you know I’m kidding.” “Come on,” Phil said, throwing a sweater unfolded into his suitcase.

 

“You know I was just joking love. You know you’re the only one for me.” 

Phil snaked his arm around Dan’s waist and pulled him closer. 

“I know,” Dan mumbled.

“Love, I don’t know what's been going on lately but you know you can tell me anything right?” Phil said almost pleadingly.

 

“Yeah of course,” he answered, averting his eyes.

 

“Maybe I should cancel my trip, just stay here for the weekend-”

“No! You can’t do that!” Dan interrupted him.

 

Phil looked at him a bit shocked.

“What I mean is your mum and dad have been looking forward to this trip for a long time and I know you have to. Phil, I promise I’m fine, ok?” 

 

“Ok,” he said after a few moments. “But I’m just a phone call or train ride away, ok?”

 

“I know,” Dan smiled at him.

 

~~~~~

 

Dan sighed as he set the grocery bags down on the counter. The moment Phil had left for the train station he had gone to Tesco to pick up what he deemed to essentials for the weekend which consisted of several bags of cookies, cupcakes and crips and popcorn. He knew he shouldn’t have gotten any of this stuff but he honestly couldn't help himself. He unloaded the bags and started his weekend.

 

~~~~~

 

It was Saturday night and he’d spent most of the day sleeping but the moment he had woken up he had begun snacking. He was at the point now where he thought he was going to burst; his brain was floating and he was content and happy. He was scrolling through Tumblr on his phone a few hours later when he noticed that the happy feeling he was used to feeling after eating was fading. He groaned because there was no way he was eating anything more unless he wanted to be sick all over the floor. But he had another idea.

 

He padded into the kitchen and opened the cupboard that held all their alcohol. He rummaged around until he found what he was looking for. He pulled out an almost full bottle of wine. Pulling it out he found a wine glass and poured himself a glass and then another an another. And soon he had drunk over half the bottle and he was a little more than tipsy.

 

He poured himself one more glass and pulled out his phone and hit the number for a local pizza delivery near their flat. He ordered a large pizza with extra cheese because Phil was gone and once that was ordered he presses the little button with Phil’s picture.  

 

To Phil

From Dan: I miss you

 

To Dan

From Phil: aw love I miss you too <3

 

To Dan

From Phil: So what are you doing?

 

From Dan

To Phil: Nothing. Slept some today and watch anime

 

To Dan

From Phil: Watch anime boys without me how scandalous daniel! 

 

To Dan 

From Phil: I’m only teasing by the way

 

Dan rolled his eyes at that message

 

To Phil 

From Dan: I need something sexy to watch while you're gone ;)

 

Dan giggled.

 

They exchanged a few more flirtatious messages back in forth before they said goodnight and Phil said he would be back bright in early tomorrow morning.

 

The ringer for the door went off and Dan went and collected his pizza swaying slightly as he made his way down the stairs. 

 

~~~~~~

Dan didn’t even have time to process what was going on before he was up and out of bed and in the bathroom, emptying the contents of his stomach. Undigested pizza and food were in the toilet and the sight of it made Dan want to be sick again.

 

“What’s going on?” Phil asked, rubbing his eyes and coming into the bathroom.

Dan only had a moment to look confused before another wave of nausea hit him and he was leaning back over the toilet again. 

 

“You ok?” Phil asked, blinking the sleep from his eyes. 

 

“Yeah, I think so.” 

 

Once Dan was sure he wasn’t going to get sick again, he flushed and stood up making his way back into the bedroom.

 

“When did you get home?” Dan asked him, sitting down on the bed next to him.

 

“Early this morning. You were still asleep and you looked really tired so I figured I’d let you sleep,” he said. 

 

“Mmm,” Dan said shoving his face into Phil’s side. 

 

“Did you have a good time?” he asked.

“Yeah it was fine, it was good to see mum and dad and of course Martyn and Corn. But it would have been more fun to stay here with you.”

 

“Really?” he asked, not really getting his hopes up that Phil would actually rather want to spend time with him than his family.

 

“Of course! I’d always choose you over anything, Dan,” Phil said.

 

Dan looked up at his eyes close to filling up with tears.

 

“I love you so much,” Phil mumbled pulling him up for a sweet but gentle kiss on the lips.

 

When they broke apart, Dan did have tears on his face, “I love you too Phil,” he said, shoving his face into his chest. He didn’t know how someone like Phil could love someone like him, but right now he wasn’t going to question it.

 

And while it was far from his mind, he promised to never eat so much as to throw up again.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know I forgot to update yesterday but here we are chapter 6!

Dan had been keeping good on his promise to himself he hadn’t been eating as much and he had gotten a handle on his snacking in general. In fact, he didn’t eat much these days. He spent most of his time in bed sleeping. He hadn't posted a video in over three months and with the gaming channel on hiatus people were starting to notice his lack of content but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d occasionally tweet something to let everyone know he was still alive but other than that he was pretty silent on the internet. Phil had been a saint taking care of him and taking care of their business stuff, he’d taken on the full workload. He hated doing it to him but he couldn’t help it he was terrified of going out of control again like the weekend he had when Phil had left so he hardly eat but that didn’t mean he didn’t think about food. So to keep his mind off the food he slept. Sleep was the only thing that kept the thoughts away and the only thing recently.

 

It was one of those rare days he did manage to pull himself out of bed. He made his way to the lounge. Spotting Phil sitting on the sofa he decided to plop down next to him.

 

“Hi, love!” Phil said turning his attention away from his laptop. “It’s good to see you out of bed.” He said smiling brightly. 

 

It hurt Dan's heart how happy Phil looked. 

 

“Yeah, I’m feeling a little better.” he lied.

 

“That’s good!” 

 

Phil look so genuinely relieved and happy Dan wonders how long he had been worried about him. 

 

~~~

 

The next few days Dan tried his hardest to stay out of bed and act as normal as possible. He helped out around the flat cleaning up and they watched some animes together and all and all Dan did enjoy himself but that hungry in the back of his mind was still there. 

 

Dan currently sat in his sofa crease browsing Tumblr on his laptop trying to ignore the constant rumbling of his stomach. 

 

“Hey, I’m going out to meet Martyn and Cornelia for lunch,” Phil said walking into the lounge.

 

“Oh ok,” he said trying to hide the hurt of not being invited from his voice. But just seconds later his stomach gave a loud grumble and he was now thankful he hadn’t been invited.

 

“I’ll be home in a few hours alright love,” Phil said planting a kiss on his forehead.

 

“Alright,” he mumbled.

 

“Maybe we can have a movie night tonight when I get home?” Phil asked almost hopefully. 

 

Dan perked up at the idea, “Yeah that sounds really nice.” 

 

“Ok then while I’m gone can you answer some of the emails we have? They’ve been piling up and really need answering.“ Phil chuckled.

 

“Consider it done,” Dan said, with excitement in his voice.

 

“Alright love you,” Phil said before turning and leaving.

 

“Love you too,” Dan called after him.

 

~~~~

After Phil left Dan procrastinated doing what Phil had asked of him but how many emails could there be to answer anyway. So about an hour after Phil left he decided he should probably get to it but first he had to use the bathroom.  

 

When he stood up he felt like he was going to be sick and he would have run for the bathroom if it wasn’t for the fact that he felt extremely dizzy and lightheaded as well. He rocked back and forth on his feet trying to regain his balance and wait for the room to stop spinning but that didn’t happen instead everything just went black.

 

~~~~~

 

“Phil, are you sure your alright?” Martyn asked him for probably the tenth time. 

 

“I’m fine I’ve just haven’t been sleeping all that well.” he lied. 

Well technically it wasn’t a lie, he hadn’t been sleeping well because he had been worried about Dan. Dan had been sleeping a lot recently and Phil worried he was going through a really bad rough spot. And he didn’t know how to help. The only thing he could do was keep working, so he continued to make videos made sure both their shops had merchandise and all their business stuff was up to date. But he hated to admit it but it had become quite a bit taking all that on himself. It seemed like all he ever did was work and worry about Dan the last few weeks and it was really taking a toll on him, which is why when Martyn had invited him out for lunch he had accepted almost instantly. 

 

“Earth to Phil.” 

 

Phil was snapped out of his thoughts as his brother waved a hand in front of his face.

 

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

 

They continued their lunch avoiding the topic altogether.

 

~~~~~~

 

The flat was quit when Phil got home, he set his keys down on the counter and walked into the lounge. Dan was curled up on the sofa snoring softly. The sight would have been precious if Phil hadn’t been so concerned with him sleeping so much lately.

 

“Dan. Dan wake up.” Phil softly shook his shoulder.

 

“Wat?” he slurred still half asleep.

 

“You fell asleep on the sofa, come on let's get you to bed.” 

 

Phil helped the younger man up and helped him walk to the bedroom. Phil stripped him of all his clothes except his boxers and put him to bed. He pulled the covers up to Dans chin and bent down giving him a gentle kiss on the cheek before walking out of the dark room.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Dan woke a few hours later he rolled over trying to remember how he had gotten to bed in the first place. But his thoughts were interrupted by a hushed voice coming from the next room. Curious he tiptoed out of the room and down the hall the office where the voice was coming from. The door was shut but inside he could hear Phil talking in a hushed voice. 

 

“I don’t know what to do anymore.”

 

Silence; he must be on the phone.

 

“Mum I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

 

Dan’s heart sank in his chest not staying to hear the rest of the conversation he turned around and left.

 

Once back in the bedroom he paced back and forth. This was it wasn't it Phil was going to finally leave him. After all these years he’d finally realized what a fuck up he was. 

 

He threw on some clothes and grabbed his keys and left the flat not even stopping to tell Phil he was leaving.

 

Not even knowing where he was going he just walked he probably walked for hours because by the time he finally stopped it was pitch black outside and hardly anyone on the streets. He looked around; he had no idea where he was.

 

His he was so weak from hunger that he was surprised when his stomach rumbled,

 

“Oh fuck off, will you,” he mumbled to himself.

 

He shivered realizing now that he hadn’t grabbed a jacket before he’d left. 

He looked around hoping to find a place he could go in and warm up at when he spotted this small 24-hour diner across the street. Just a coffee he promised himself crossing the street.

 

The bell chimed when he opened the door and nice older lady behind the counter motioned around and said, “Sit anywhere you like love.” 

 

“Thanks,” he said as he chose a both close to the back of the restaurant.

 

The restaurant was deserted except for him so it didn’t take more than a minute for the women to come up to him with a menu, “Would you like to hear the specials?” 

 

“No thank you, just coffee please.” he smiled. 

 

He stomach growled embarrassingly loud.

 

“Are you sure there love?” she chuckled.

 

What the hell Phil was leaving him anyway. He took the menu from her and ordered the first thing he saw. A burger with a side of chips. 

 

“I’ll be back out with your coffee.” she smiled and took his order back to the chef.

 

His hands shook with anticipation he hadn’t had any proper food in probably three days.

  
  


After about a fifteen minute wait for the waitresses brought over his food and set it down in front of him.  

 

“If you need anything else just let me know dear,” she said walking off.

 

Dan was literally drooling it looked and smelled so delicious. 

 

The first bit could be described as heavenly, the flow of the juices mixing together in his mouth and all the different flavors were absolutely divine. But after that first bite, he didn’t taste much of anything else as he scarfed down the rest of it in several big bits. Next were the chips, those were harder to eat all at once since there were many but somehow he managed. And before he knew what he was doing he had the waitress back over ordering more food.

 

He left the diner over two hours later in shame having consumed two more burgers and three pieces of pie all by himself. He had been absolutely horrified when he’d come out of his binge haze. Stuffed to the brim with plates spread out all around him on the table. Luckily the waitress hadn’t said anything to him, she’s made some joke that he must have been hungry but Dan had seen in her eyes that she had been disgusted with him. And who wouldn’t be, who eats that amount of food in one sitting its gross he thought to himself.       

 

Dan was so ashamed and disgusted with himself he couldn’t face going home yet, besides he wasn’t sure if there was going to be anything to go home to. He started walking again slower this time because he was uncomfortably full when he came upon another little restaurant. It was like his brain was going crazy, he wasn’t physically hungry but he craved that feeling he felt when he eats. The way his brain would completely fog over forgetting about all his problems, just the pure happiness it made him feel. Without even second-guessing himself he went into the restaurant.


	7. Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Update on me and this story

Hello, my fellow Dan and Phil nerds its been a while huh? I know its been forever since I updated and there are a few reasons for that,   
1\. I had surgery last month and its been a surgery I've been trying to get since May.   
2\. I got engaged! Christy the person I wrote seized with asked me to be her wife and I, of course, said Yes! We don't plan on getting married anytime soon but she's planning to visit me in a few months and I've been working hard on getting ready for that.   
3\. I went for several months without writing I just had no motivation to write. But I've recently started again so I promise there will be an update of this coming soon! 

Thank you all for your patience and understanding! 

Much love,  
Makayla

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter next Tuesday! Kudos and comments are always appreciated! My Tumblr is glitterrhowell!


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